At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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