No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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