I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
