So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
