nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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