hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I party with great urgency now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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