Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
