i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
