Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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