i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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