Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
