she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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