I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
