Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
