I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
