Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
