Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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