Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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