I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
