I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
