I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
