At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
