I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
