and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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