just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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