i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
