Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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