I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
