Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
