I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
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