Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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