I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
