I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
