i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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