maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
