she smelled like a LAN party
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
