Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
