its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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