I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
All the doctor said was why
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
