True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
