remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
