New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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