Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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