The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
