Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
