I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
