the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
