Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
