Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
