I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
