you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
